One Year Later: Disappointments, Success, Hope

Month                                     Issues                             Behavior/Reactions             Interventions

11 – 15

Mid-service crisis, Doubt about program, role, self, government, Various failures over time, Reflection: disillusionment, confusion, resolving frustrations with victories, New trainees arrive, Holiday time

Impatience with self, program, system; Blame on program; Constant complaining; Lethargy; Haughtiness with new trainers via super identification in image, dress

Holiday planning/mini-vacation, Review work plan, set new goals, Plan vacation, 1 year anniversary celebration, Develop new recreation options, Write long-lost acquaintances, Explore better relations with GOV & NGO folks, Return to language study & practice

Sometimes I find it hard to blog. Especially on the not-so-good days.  I mean, you don’t really want to bash your community on a public website just because your internet signal wouldn’t work that day (or any other small annoyance).  But then, I don’t want to just fluff every blog or email I send home, just for the sake of keeping the peace.  Where do I find the balance of honesty in sharing my experience, without being harmful or offensive to the people/country in which I am serving? Here is my attempt at being real for a moment.

According to the chart above (as given to us by our “Volunteer Support Network” [VSN] team, based on previous research of Peace Corps volunteers’ experiences throughout the world), we are smack-dab in the middle of “Mid-service Crisis.”  I don’t know if I’d call this a crisis, but we have certainly moved out of the honeymoon phase, and are feeling kinda…blah…

I remember sitting in pre-service training, looking at the line graph of a volunteer’s emotional experience throughout service and thinking, “That’s those people, I’m happy, strong, I’ve got this.” But the truth is I’m pretty much a typical volunteer.  According to the graphs.

We have recently hit the official one year mark, and maybe the psychological aspect of knowing that fact has caused me to be extra hard on myself.  Am I making a difference?  What am I doing here?  What am I doing?  These problems here are too big to face; who am I?  Really, who am I? Like, am I really going to tackle these issues that have been around for hundreds of years? 

Doubts/Disappointments

Teaching: As most any teacher would feel after a year of being in a classroom, there are doubts. Those kids who couldn’t read still can’t read with fluency.  And how do you measure your effectiveness?  Have I helped increase English proficiency in some children?  Have I inspired anyone to love learning or to reach higher? Or am I just a warm body in a classroom?

Materialism:  I joined the Peace Corps assuming that many of the comforts of Western society would not be available.  Yet, this is not true.  I have electricity, warm water, and have a 7 minute walking commute to my school. I never even get sick.  I thought I’d be learning how to live more simply—but am I?

Racism: whites oppressed the blacks in this country for a long time.  Apartheid was legally abolished with the birth of a new nation, Namibia, in 1990. But the effects linger.  How do I treat my white friends here?  How do I treat my black friends here?  What role can I play in racial reconciliation? Is that possible?

Culture:  I am American living in Namibia.  There are culture clashes at times.  Sometimes they are frustrating.  How do I cope?  When do I step in (for example in cases in which a tribe’s culture may justify male dominance, even violence, against women) when the culture seems to be unjustifiably wrong?

Legacy:  Will anything, anything at all, be different when I leave?  After spending two years of my life here?

Successes

There are doubts, there are disappointments.  But there are some good things; that’s what keeps you going.

Library: Many friends and family sent over so many books to help my initiative to begin a school library.  This is, objectively, a success.  Books are in the hands of kids today that came from boxes that were shipped from overseas from the kindness of friends and strangers that would not have otherwise been there.  And that is a good thing.  Kids are getting excited about reading, and I hope to encourage that even more as the school year goes on.

Counterparts: Aaron & I recently went to a weeklong training to become “Grassroot Socccer” coaches, and took along two other teachers at the school where I am teaching. Grassroot Soccer is an international program whose aim is to reduce the spread of HIV/AIDS, and to empower youth to make healthy decisions. Our Namibian counterparts are awesome, many people at the training commented on how great they were (and we agree!).  I feel extremely lucky to have some quality people to work with who are committed to similar projects/goals as we have.

Little things

• ·         One student wrote me an apology letter explaining that he took something from the classroom one day, he feels terrible about it, and asked for forgiveness. (Wow-taking responsibility is not often seen among the students I teach). 
• ·         Developing relationships with students through sports/extra-curricular activities.
• ·         Appreciating the beauty of Namibia, and its vastness, starry skies, and gorgeous sunsets.
• ·         Living in a safe community.
• ·         New friendships (locals and other volunteers) that get me through the long days.

Hope

Aaron & I are committed to life here for another year, and I expect other good things to happen.  I have hope that the library will expand, and literacy will grow.  I hope that I will get to develop a remedial reading program for the struggling students at my school, to be able to work with kids in a small group setting.  I hope that my language skills (Afrikaans) will continue to improve, and relationships with people will deepen.  I hope that Grassroot Soccer will impact the lives of some young people here.

After a year, you start to realize the limits to your potential, but I still have hope for what lies ahead.

I am thankful for all the ups and downs that have accompanied me throughout the past 12 months, and I invite them with me as I journey through the next 12.